My Biggest Problem
My biggest problem is that I am the queen of procrastination. Is that I start projects and never end them. Is that I let emails accumulate until I’m too anxious to answer. Is that I cannot focus for my life. Is that my will power is so weak. Is that I get so easily distracted. Is that I always want to have fun and not do all the things I know I should do but don’t. Is that I have a million great ideas and I never bring them to full completion. Is that I stare at my yoga mat instead of practicing on it. Is that I drive to the gym and then sit in the car instead of going in. That I am not disciplined enough. That I am not working on things consistently.
Has This Ever Happened to You?
You are in college, and you have a paper due in three weeks. You know you should start early, in fact you really believe you will, and are super motivated when the professor is explaining why you should, in fact, give yourself plenty of time to write the darn paper. But then you are having fun and doing other things and going out in the sun with your friends and the paper becomes less and less important until….it’s due in four days and you know you have to write it.
There’s no escaping it now. So you go to Trader Joe’s, buy cheese and crackers and apples to last you for days (no time to cook!) and then you drag yourself to the library and stay until the wee hours in full lockdown mode. You barely sleep. You go through a phase of panic because you don’t even know where to begin this paper, from which angle to approach it- hell the topic is so insanely broad, how will you ever figure it out.
You think you’re doomed but then you remember you’ve pulled this off before and tell yourself you can do it. So you keep doing research and writing frantically. In the meantime you forget to shower and start noticing dark bags under your eyes. No time to think about that now. You barely make it to your other classes or just downright skip them. You become totally MIA with your friends. And your room becomes a disaster. Dirty clothes everywhere, and no time to pick them off the floor. By now you are using your books as placemats to eat on and there are dirty dishes everywhere that you don’t have time to clean. You even let yourself have a glass of wine late one night to stimulate the creative juices flow while writing.
You de-activated your Facebook account so you won’t be tempted to waste your time on it but every time you hit a hurdle in the writing process you catch yourself instinctively clicking on the Facebook link anyways. You have 8 hours left. You give it all you got. You are surprised of how well now your brain is trained to focus and work on demand. You finish the paper. You read and it and proof-read it over again with delirious eyes in search of spelling errors and syntactical awkwardnesses. But you are kind of impressed that you pulled it off so well in so little time.
It’s now 6am and you experience the mandatory struggle with the printer, which, after several attempts, finally manages to spit out a semi-decent printout. You notice the sun rising outside your window, so you throw on a pair of dubiously clean sweatpants, Uggs, tie your hair in a bun, rush to campus, park illegally, and turn the paper in.
By now said paper feel like a child you just birthed, that’s how hard you worked on it. You look like a zombie. And when you finally get home, ready to take the biggest nap of your life, you catch yourself thinking “I wish I had started writing the paper sooner. Post-Colonial Native American Legal Rights are actually really interesting. And I could have done so much better had I given myself more time!”
STORY. OF. MY. LIFE.
Why are us humans so prone to delaying things we have to do? Is it inherent laziness? Is it our lower chakras lowering us towards living an animal-like life that is restricted to short term gains and tangible needs versus rationality, long term goals and intellect?
I am trying. But it’s not easy.
In other news, It just occurred to me that ever since I graduated college I have bascially stopped taking selfies on The PhotoBooth app. Coincidence? I think not.
I used to spend many hours with a computer in my face back in the day, and I don’t so much anymore. For all those of you whose emails I still haven’t answered, I am sorry. In the meantime, here are a few good ones from the college days.