Sometimes life has a way of pulling the rug from under your feet that leaves you…breathless.
A relationship in my life that I thought as fundamental, stable and thriving has just ended after a few confusing months.
The emotions that have been going through me during this process are endless.
A mix of sadness, fear, more sadness, regret, guilt, anger, jealousy, over-thinking, helplessness, frustration and more.
I’ve noticed these feelings seem heightened at night and in the mornings.
I have had my fair share of complicated relationships in the past. I used to go from one long relationship to another.
Then I started dating, and it was quite disastrous. I did the Tinder thing.
Then I finally decided to spend a whole year alone to understand I needed to respect and love myself before anyone else.
I always thought that my ideal man was blonde, blue eyed, tall, a world traveler, older, and with a college degree.
Instead, I ended up falling in love with someone who is shorter than me (but so so handsome!), brown eyed, dark haired, younger but more mature and confident than any guy I’ve ever dated and with the purest soul I’ve ever encountered.
With him I slowly stripped down all expectations of what I had decided I wanted and I arrived at a place of appreciation of this unexpected gift life had put on my path. I had to distinguish between what made ME happy versus what society thought was right for me.
I found in him an unfazed, strong and honest companion. There were good hearted laughs, interesting conversation and an authentic, sweet connection that didn’t need to be explained.We have fun together with the simplest of things.
The relationship began long distance all the way from California. This relationship defied everybody’s (including my) expectations and lasted for a year and a half of broken-up phone calls with bad reception, endless texts and a few fun trips in between.
Last year,I finally took the plunge and moved to Costa Rica during the rainy season. And it was hard. The relationship became strained. But there was never a doubt in my mind we would make it through it. Following that, there were ups and down, just like any other relationship. But it was all so new. Living together, and especially living together in the jungle was something neither of us had done before.
And then things took a turn for the worse. Lack of communication, lack of respect, and just the daily grind making us forget about how special it all was. Making us forget about the big picture and what really matters.
In Italy, in California, everyone is asking about him. Everybody I know loves him. And I do too.
I am aware I can only control my feelings, my intentions and my behavior. Not his.
I am also aware that self- love is the biggest form of love.
I realize It takes courage and strength to keep believing in a relationship when the other person is doubting it.
I understand that most people I speak to in regards to this matter have an opinion about it, and it’s not always easy nor heathy for me to hear it.
I realize that loving someone sometimes means giving them space to thrive and experience on their own.
I realize that love evolves. The feeling of falling in love we have in the beginning changes overtime and transforms.
I realize that sometimes overthinking leads to complete madness. Feeling is a much better way to go.
I realize that communication with another person is always confusing, especially in second languages. We think we are being clear, but the other person is most likely interpreting our message as something completely different.
I believe in being completely honest and transparent in what I feel and what I want. It is very important to voice one’s wants even if that means putting ego aside.
I realize that fear plays a big role. Fear of the unknown, the what-ifs- and thinking the worse.
I am aware that this process is making me evolve. I have had to evaluate some of my actions and behaviors and learn from my mistakes. I am learning to be vulnerable in the process, show when I am sad or hurt instead of get angry.
I realize as humans we hurt each other, purposefully or unconsciously. Only when we are able to surpass that hurt are we then able to find that below all the fights, the social media BS, the things said, there might still be something valuable.
I realize relationships happen by means of compatibility, love, timing, priorities and a will to work on them.
I realize that break ups are hard and confusing and frustrating and sad and maddening and, and, and. AND, I know I will survive this and thrive even though it does not feel like it right now (and that’s not to minimize the current pain).
This moment calls for stepping back, releasing control over all the plans that I so carefully lined up, and letting the individual process unravel: taking this time for me and making myself happy and healthy. Pressing the reset button. Taking a mental break. Finding peace of mind. Getting away from everybody. Being selfish. When my heart will be fully happy and healed, I will be thinking very differently than now. At that point, my heart will just know.